How many people does it take to make a relationship work?

The default answer to this question is "2" and most people are firmly committed to this "reality" and will defend it tooth and nail. I invite you to consider an alternate reality where:

It only takes one person to make a relationship work.

Allow me to explain.

In some of the personal and professional development seminars and workshops I facilitate we employ a highly effective communication tool called a 'dyad' or, simply speaking, a 1 on 1. There are only two hard and fast rules that are provided prior to commencing any dyad. At first mention, the rules or guidelines appear elementary. But, we are dealing with human beings who happen to be notoriously entrenched in communication habits that are, at the very least, highly ineffective. It is not surprising, then, that as a 'rule' the "rules" are repeated quite often.

Rule # 1 - When one person speaks, the other just listens.

"Duh" Right? While this seems to be a fundamental ingredient to healthy and effective communication, it is not a general standard to which humans adhere. As the parameters of the dyad demand adherence to this rule in short bursts (anywhere from 30 seconds to 3 minutes, typically), conversational patterns in the everyday world are not governed by such rules. What is commonly observed during verbal interactions is a series of disruptive patterns, which include, but are not limited to:

A. Incessant interruptions: The inability to allow another to complete their thought or to wait for an appropriate break in the conversation before speaking. Perhaps this occurs because inspired ideas, pearls of wisdom and/or the free association of thoughts can happen rapidly and the inadequacies of memory force their utterance. Whatever the reason, interrupting someone mid-sentence or thought often serves to devalue the other and what they are saying or choosing to share.

B. Advice giving: Listening to someone expressing their challenges and burdens often brings out the inner therapist in the not-so-active listener. Unless the person speaking to you is paying you the standard fee for psychological counselling or therapeutic services, it is most often best to reserve your best-intentioned fixes for their problems. You will be amazed that, given the space to share freely without interruption and/or advice giving, we humans will discover our own answers and solutions.

C. Agreeing / disagreeing: Providing feedback through verbal and non-verbal cues is sometimes relevant and important, the degree to which one's sharing is agreed or disagreed with impacts not only the natural flow of expression but also may inhibit the speaker's willingness to elaborate of reach greater degrees of honesty and vulnerability based on the listener's acceptance or rejection of incoming data. There are a number of ways that one may indicate agreement or disagreement - verbally, gestures, body language, facial expressions, etc. Any and all of these methods of communication, whether they are meant to convey compassion or disdain of the message being received, are more likely to distract and, subsequently, distort to speaker's message.

Participants in these dyad experiences are told to bite their lip until it bleeds if they have to, to refrain from engaging in any behaviors that could compromise Rule # 1 and also to observe:

Rule # 2 - Maintain eye contact throughout the entire 1 on 1.

For some, even momentary eye contact is problematic. Whether rooted in cultural taboos, social upbringing, or familial mores, the act of looking into another's eyes may cause fear and anxiety in the worst case and mild discomfort in the least. Regardless of the origin of the illicit intimacy of eye-contact, the fact remains that “the eyes are the windows to the soul,” as the saying goes, and is virtually mandatory in establishing trust and intimacy.

Perhaps there exists a semi-latent command from our pre-historic brains that prohibits extended eye-contact due to perceived threat and aggression, but modern man and woman have evolved beyond these base instincts. When we choose to maintain eye-contact with another, friend or foe, lover or stranger, we open the door to a whole new world of connectedness and oneness. As you may have guessed, Rule # 2 is repeated ad nauseum as well.

Beyond the aforementioned rules, participants are sometimes invited to join hands during the exchange and experience, which adds an element of connection that enhances the entire dyad.

When Rule # 1 and Rule # 2 are committed to, to the best of the ability of the participants, then something magic happens. Sharing becomes deeply authentic. People empathically honor one another as they hold the space for true self-expression. The world around the speaker and listener seems to disappear as they focus intently on one another. The phenomenon of the mirror effect is clearly reflected in the experience – participants, more often than not, and typically with relative strangers from all walks of life, find themselves identifying with each other on a deeply emotional and spiritual level. The dyad experience holds the promise of this opening for everyone who risks being present to themselves and another human being.

Here is where we circle back to the notion that it only takes one person to make a relationship work. What the dyad experience proves, beyond the shadow of a doubt, is that when we are connected to another person with openness and compassion, regardless of what is being shared, then we cannot help but see something of beauty in them. We recognize their value. We sense who they are at a core level and we see their worth. Once we see and know the intrinsic value of another, then we will not hurt or destroy them. It is illogical, both intellectually and emotionally, to destroy something or someone that you value.

If this is true, then you become the single point of accountability in making your relationships work. Even when, and especially when, someone you are in relationship with behaves in ways that hurt you, or they say things that upset you, you can choose to see their value, to honor their beauty, and to make decisions and/or choose responses that do not destroy or add to the destruction of that relationship. It may seem unrealistic to do this, particularly when strong feelings are being triggered by the words and actions of others, but it is possible. And it is the only way to make our relationships functional, sustainable and workable.

It only takes one person to make a relationship work. It takes two people to destroy it, but only one to make it work. You have always known this or, at least, had a deep-down sense of this truth, but you most likely thought it was the other “one” in your relationship who was or should be responsible for making it work. Look to later blog entries for an examination of how this principle of successful relationships works in different areas of our relatable lives.